Oh, my stars and garters!

Sometimes I miss the beard.

Luckily, I have a coping mechanism, as long as Eric doesn't clear his camera's flash card. Or stop holding still for my stupid bullshit.

Hey, Buddy!

 

I don't think we will have a pink cloud this year--there just aren't enough branches for that--but the redbud tree we planted is very much alive.

If redbuds aren't your thing (and why aren't they? What's the matter with you?), please enjoy this picture of a Native Alaskan-themed nativity scene. It is not mine, sadly, but I feel lucky for even having laid eyes upon it.

If Native Alaskan-themed nativity scenes are not your thing either, then I just don't know what to do for you. You're probably on the wrong blog, to be honest.

Observation

The state Capitol building on a Tuesday afternoon during the legislative session has got to be the least sexy place in the world. Navy blazers, red ties, and badly barbered graying hair do no one any favors.

The cat is not getting any smarter

I almost drove off to work with him in the backseat. It startled the hell out of me to look in the rearview and see his blank little face gazing back at me. I got out and opened the door, and he ran far away. I must leave the windows rolled up. That, or buy him some little button-up shirts and jeans and teach him to proofread.

Eric dictates this evening's blog post

"You should do a post about me and how awesome I am and how I came from Awesometown to whisk you off your feet and bring you back to Awesometown with me. Again: Awesometown!

"Awesometown--you should put that in italics--Awesometown. If anyone else wants to come along with me to Awesometown, they can eat a dick, 'cause it's just you and me, babe. Awesometown--you can make that one bold.

"Um...I think that's it."

Look around you.

I love learning.

It makes me a jolly good fellow!

Not to make this Joolie's Gut Status Corner, but I thought it remarkable that I was cured by beer. I came home last night in considerable pain, but we had houseguests and I was tired of not having fun, so against my better judgment I said screw it and drank a beer. And another. All of a sudden I was not only way tipsy but hungry for the first time in almost a week. Eric made me a poached egg on an English muffin, which I scarfed. I woke up today starving hungry and have been feeling fine ever since, except for what might be the beginnings of a cold. Oh, well. A cold is nothing compared to the stomach flu. Maybe I'll treat that with beer too.

You know what would be awesome?

If I could eat something other than toast. I hate the Wienermobile.

Presidents' Day

Whoops, I almost missed this year! So for the past five years I've honored one of America's crappy, lame, or boring presidents, and for five years I've been avoiding the most obvious one. But I'm tired and I'm running out of Presidents' Day here, and so...oh, hell, there's no point in even saying anything about him, is there?

On a completely unrelated note, I found this article fascinating. Happy Presidents' Day, everyone!

The Wienermobile portends terrible things; avoid at all costs.

Want to avoid the crass commercialism of hearts and flowers on your next Valentine's Day? I recommend picking up a stomach virus. Secretly you know you're just going through the motions as you pour that bottle of wine and crack those crab claws. All you really need is some Jell-O, some dry toast, and a bed that can be freezing cold or broiling hot on a moment's notice. So much more meaningful, and we didn't spend a dime!

Improvement

The Wienermobile crossed my path on the way to work today, always a good omen. You know the old saying: Intersect with the mobile wiener/Gain a proud and glad demeanor. Or something like that. My great-grandmother used to say it in the original Italian, so maybe my translation is a little off.

The basil and carrots are growing straight and tall. Soon I will have to thin and cull the sprouts. It will be hard to pick the very best ones. If only I could make them put on a little talent show to gain my favor and help me decide. God, that would be so awesome. I know that's not possible, though, so I will have to do it randomly. I am comforting myself with the knowledge that the condemned basil sprouts will be delicious on a sandwich.

Also I bought a few plants to replace the ones the raccoons destroyed, and I finally, finally got my hair cut today. It is very nice to glance in the mirror and not be confronted with a shapeless, graying, puffy crapball hanging in and around my face. Whoo!

Waaaaaaaaaah

Evil raccoons had a big old party on our deck last night. They tore up a bunch of cacti and succulents and smashed a pot my friend Tina painted for me. I hope they got spines in their awful little dexterous paws. Also I was almost run off the road by a semi truck, and my dinner was this side of revolting. Tomorrow will be better.

Update, 1:27 a.m.: Also I came home to a postcard from the DPS warning me that a high-risk sex offender moved in one street over and a block down. I'm not sure how I feel about them doing that. What am I supposed to do with this information? Am I supposed to feel more safe? Feel less safe? Stop going outside? Round up a vigilante mob? Not bake him welcome-to-the-neighborhood cookies?

If it were next door, I'd want to know. A quarter-mile away, well, I just assume there are some bad people out there and take precautions anyway.

Ugh.

Every day we are learning.

Lately I'm spending all my time either at work or dealing with boring adult shit, the completion of which will ideally free me to lead a slightly more fun life. Then maybe I will have stuff to talk about. I hope I do, anyway; today all I have is this article about the crazy 16-inch duck penis my friend Lynell told me about.

Pow!

Today we have carrots. You can barely see them on the right side of the pot there.

Also red buds on the redbud. I was glad to see those. It was hard to tell how the tree was doing when it just looked like a big dead stick we'd jammed into the ground.

What else is going on in my life? Uh. Um. Well. Ok! Gotta go now, bye!

Bye Bye Beardie

The magical miracle

Sprouts! Sprouts that weren't there as recently as the beginning of my shift this evening! I'm not sure which ones they are. I'm not even sure they're what I planted; I mean, it's only been three days and the basil is supposed to sprout in 5-7 days, the carrots in 10-20. Were there weed seeds in the soil? Oh, hell, let's just say it's the basil and be happy.

I lied when I said the internet was boring.

I just hadn't found the Unalaska police blotter yet.

The internet is boring.

Sadly, I cannot help it tonight.

I don't understand what I'm doing wrong.

Nothing's happening yet!

Office farm

It's getting to be the time of late nights and long hours at my job again, so I thought I'd brighten up my desk with a few plants while giving myself a project to look forward to instead of just darkly marking off the days on the calendar over the next few months.

Last time I grew a morning glory from seed, and that was pretty gratifying. This year I thought I might as well grow myself a snack, so I bought a nifty self-watering pot and then threw soil, a little organic fertilizer, and a few pinches of basil and baby carrot seeds in there.

I'm not the only one who does stuff like this. Bryan in the front office brought in a Meyer lemon tree last month to see what it could do in front of the wall of windows in there. He has a lot more room and light to work with, though. I am limited to growing things I can fit under my Target floor lamp.

It's not much to look at right now, but please stay tuned in the coming weeks.

Blago post

I love Super Bowl Sunday. It's so quiet outside. And inside. I don't hate football, but it would never occur to me to watch a game unless I was with someone who really wanted to.

Stinky has worms, which we discovered the way we always do: by seeing one poking out of Stinky's little butthole and waving to us. I hate that.

I do, however, love our vet. I may have to frame the envelope the deworming pill came in.

You know who else I love? Blago. Rod Blagojevich has been giving me fits ever since he was arrested in December. The press conference where he announced the appointment of nice Roland Burris to the senate was so awkward and surreal it had me kicking my legs and rolling on the floor. And the article in The New York Times about his last day in office is 1,200 words of pure joy.

I can't help but admire--nay, adore--anyone who is that brazenly and unrepentantly slimy, so much so that I was inspired to make a lino cut and many colorful prints of his big head. And then I had to turn those prints into buttons so I can force them on my friends, much like Blagojevich forced Roland Burris on an unsuspecting U.S. Senate.

You want one? Of course you do! These buttons are a fucking valuable thing! But unlike my man Blago, I will just give them away for nothing. I can spare about ten, so just claim yours in the comments and send me an e-mail with your mailing address if you don't happen to be someone I see as I go about my week.

I mean, come on. I did this for you, the people! If anything, I should have been more selfish!