I found a dress! A pretty dress. One that I will wear for occasions other than the one I purchased it for.
It was not so easy to find this dress. My sister and I trudged for hours through shitty department stores before we went to the boutique that she'd originally suggested, the one I waved off as too expensive and as a place that Eric hates and would like to see fail, for a variety of reasons. But fuck loyalty! I found a dress!
It's pretty bleak out there. I don't know what's wrong with me, or I don't know what's wrong with the garment industry, but for several hours, every single dress I liked had one horrible flaw that made it completely unsuitable. Lousy color. Weird cut. Bedazzler-ed neckline. Fucked-up fluffy collar tie thing that had to be wrapped around the neck and knotted at the waist.
These are apparently the slammin' looks for summer '06:
Every self-respecting, fashion-forward woman will want her otherwise perfectly nice dress marred by a generous sprinkling of huge shiny brass knobs and tiny wooden beads along the neckline.
Too-big armholes provide superior ventilation as well as a tantalizing glimpse of bra, panties, and those weird rolls of flesh that appear in between the two when you sit down.
Plumber's butt is never okay, but it is especially frowned upon at weddings and such.
It is nothing less than good sense to produce a dress that is skin-tight in the hips and stomach but has what can only be described as gigantic tit bags affixed to the front. After all, the vast majority of women who wear a size 10 have 28-inch waists and and size 42EE breasts. Also, you may not know this, but periwinkle looks enchanting on sallow skin.
Ew. I think you can understand why I was beginning to suspect that every designer in the world got together before releasing their lines this season and altered them all just a tiny bit so I couldn't wear anything. Oh, she'll love this A-line! Just open that neckhole a little so it'll sag unflatteringly on her sternum. And she would look great in this shirtdress, so let's dye it electric yellow. Yes, that's good; maybe print huge brown-and-white chevrons on it for good measure. Hmmm...there's not a lot we can do to the classic little black dress--wait, I know! Let's give it a halter top and sew tiny white beads all over the hemline. Perfect! She'll SHIT!
I wish I could show you the dress I actually got after wading through all the above-type garbage, but it's a surprise, and anyway, it's not nearly as much fun to draw.