I have wanted this $5,000 Toto Neorest toilet for years; I even sent away for the literature once because I thought it was just so brilliant. I'd sort of forgotten about it, but my lust has been rekindled today by this article.
It's a magic toilet. Its seat is heated, and it has a remote control and a cyclone flush. It has a retractable "cleansing wand" that washes, dries, and deodorizes your junk. It even adjusts its flushing power according to what you've been doing in there, at least if you're a guy--if you use it with the seat up, it assumes you've just been tinkling and triggers the water-saving "light flush" function instead of the default superpower flush.
As someone who believes pooping is a sacrament, I think we all have an inalienable constitutional right to Neorests. Someday I will have one.
The story of the amazing toilet delighted me, but my joy was tempered when I read in the Texan that Le Fun arcade is closing.
I have no right to be sad about the failure of a business I haven't bothered to patronize in years, but that place has been so good to me. When I worked on the Drag, I went in several times a week to relieve my customer service-related aggression. I pumped, like, tens of dollars into first-person shooter games. I beat Arabian Nights there once and sucked at Tekken 2 constantly. I kicked some guy's ass at Daytona USA by repeatedly running him off the road and making him crash, and when we got up to leave he said, "You're a bitch," in the smallest, poutiest voice I've ever heard. I laughed in his face, but later, I was confused. Isn't that the way you're supposed to play it? Is there some sort of driving-game code of honor I'm not privy to? Jesus, what a baby.
Well, whatever. Soon it will will be gone, converted into an even larger facility for the already-conspicuously-empty Church of Scientology. Maybe if Le Fun had ever gotten rid of its noxious mildew smell it might have been able to hold on for a few more years, but I guess arcades are having a hard time everywhere.
This is the silliest lede for a news story probably ever. It made me laugh and laugh, but only out of pity:
Christmas came early for Republican Tom DeLay, but there was coal in his stocking.
That's just one analogy made Monday regarding a judge's decision to toss-out a conspiracy indictment against DeLay.
Hey, here's some shocking news for you: local news is ludicrously bad! I know, can you even hardly believe it? Still, someone should tell the nice people at KXAN that just because it's December, mixing a few cutesy, exhausted holiday cliches might not be the most appropriate or compelling way to lure people into a story about Tom Delay's criminal proceedings.
I don't know, though. It might be kind of cool if they started injecting a little lighthearted holiday cheer into every story this time of year: "I guess you could say those brutally murdered prostitutes had a Ho-Ho-Horrible day! Haha! Back to you, Rog!" Timely. Hard-hitting. Festive. I like it.
And that's my news roundup for Tuesday. Except--oooh--it might snow on Wednesday night! Or at least we might get a "wintry mix." I'm going to buy a bottle of whiskey and cross my fingers.