Wow, I forgot how depressing afternoon TV is, with its shitty production values and the our-target-audience-is-composed-of-total-losers- who-are-not-at-work-right-now commercials that tell pathetic, underemployed you how to apply for technical school, consolidate your credit, or patent your amazing invention, all of which of which will put you on the road to make $$$! Unless the pursuit of these things bankrupt you, ruin your life, and cause you to take your disappointment and rage out on your spouse and kids until they leave you in the middle of the night and no one loves you. No one at all.
Today Eric and I were eating lunch at 888 and they were blaring Ambush Makeover on Fox on the huge TV over the bar. (TV? Bar? Never mind. I'm not going to get into why 888's own makeover makes me want to cry and cry for all the things I've ever lost.)
I'd never heard of this show, and of course it was terrible. I didn't want to watch it, but it was loud and colorful and directly across from me, so I really had no choice.
The less said about it the better; we all know these shows are shitty.* Except I have to say I loved it when they interviewed the women's boyfriends. None had necks, all had thinning buzz cuts, all were at least 20 pounds overweight. And yet: "She don't wear makeup, always has her hair up in a ponytail," one of them groused when asked why he felt his already quite attractive fiancee needed an Ambush Makeover.
Another one paused, thought, and said, "Yeah, she really needed a change....It's good for her." Then he nodded curtly. I think he thought that would come off as sensitive and caring--I only want what's emotionally healthy for my darling queen--but he sounded menacing. "Good for her" as in, she'll tart herself up and shake it for me a little, if she knows what's good for her. "Good for her" as in, I'm not much attracted to my wife, but if she doesn't shape up, my fists just might be.
Dude, you have no neck and your face looks as though it were haphazardly carved out of lard. But good thing your wife got some highlights, because otherwise you'd have to leave that frumpy bitch, or at the very least kill her.
It was amazing.
Then they went back to picking out atrocious purple lipstick for the ladies. That was tragic but not nearly as interesting, so we quickly paid the check and left to get ready for our late-shift jobs that, sadly, are not as exciting or rewarding as those available in the growing field of dental hygiene.
*Aside from Cheaters, the show where they spy on people's significant others, hoping to catch them in the act. The host is such a smarmy, sanctimonious fuckhead that one of his targets stabbed him in the stomach. Cheaters is a trash-TV work of art. Sadly, we don't get it in
Austin, even though I've written the local WB affiliate asking them to pick it up.