I give up. Is it a tennis racket?
I can't wrap presents. I suh-huh-huck at wrapping presents. I buy pretty shiny paper hoping that will somehow compensate, but it's always a huge waste because every year I end up with a pile of lumpy, misshapen polyhedrons. If you want all your gifts to look like they were custom wrapped by Joolina the Thumbless Wonder, you go ahead and bring them to me, I'll see what I can do.
So that's a problem, and it was complicated this year when I bought what I thought was shiny foil paper at Big! Lots. Big! Lots has some good deals, but overall it's a shit! hole, so bad they have to put huge signs on the walls with slogans telling their customers not to feel so crummy about being there. Something to the effect of "Remember: You aren't defined by where you shop, but how much you save!!!!" Ouch.
Anyway, I should have known 99 cents for beautiful shiny foil wrap was too good to be true, because it was. I got it home and discovered that it's shiny all right, but only because it's clear. What the fuck good is see-through wrapping paper? How am I supposed to surprise people with that? Oh, gosh, what did Joolie get me? I hate to even guess, she's wrapped it so well in this completely transparent sheet of cellophane...Hmm, could it be the thing that I'm fucking looking directly at? Oh, Joolie, you big fooler!
Gah. I was pissed. I had to go out to Target to buy even more wrapping paper, which was expensive and not nearly as cute as I thought the Big! Lots bullshit paper was going to be.
And now, I mangle.