Oh, my stars and garters!

Art therapy

By Joolie, age 28

I got nothin'

It's a shame, but I have absolutely nothing of general interest to say this evening. Please use the 10-15 seconds you would have spent reading this post to do something real nice for yourself instead.

Lucky, lucky me

The only good thing about my job right now is that, for the most part, I like my coworkers a lot. They make strong coffee, read good books, tell sick jokes, share their food, and go out for drinks. If I have to be here eleventy billion hours a week, at least it's with people whose company I honestly enjoy.

I can't imagine it being otherwise. If I had to spend all this time around a bunch of jerks, I'd end up poisoning the Hump Day donuts. Or the TGIF coffee ring. Or whatever the hell.

Death to the fascist insect that preys upon the life of the people.

I have a lot of books that I read over and over. A lot of them are worthy books, or at least decent ones; for example, my fifth-grade teacher gave me a copy of To Kill a Mockingbird, and I have read it each summer since.

But I also have my Triumvirate of Trash, which I can always turn to when I'm feeling very tired, slow, lazy, and too unmotivated to even turn on the TV and hunt up an episode of COPS. Today I'm reading Patty Hearst: Her Own Story for probably the sixth or seventh time.

The Only Living Witness and Helter Skelter are also on the list and would have done just as nicely this week, although my copy of Helter Skelter finally fell apart last year and I haven't gotten around to replacing it, mostly because every time I'm at Half-Price Books I think of all the fantastic books in the world I've never read even once and feel guilty and pathetic for wanting to buy a book about the stupid Manson Family for the second time. I don't have a copy of Elvis and Me either because I borrowed it from a roommate when I read it, but if I did I would probably read it over and over again too. I don't even care about Elvis, but it's just so fantastically trashy that I'm in awe of it.

These books all make excellent bathroom reading too. If you've finished the latest Harper's, New Yorker, and The Economist, of course.

He knows

Thanks to Larry for the creepy picture.

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Sorry, would-be throat fuckee! I hope you find what you're looking for.

Topsy-turvy

Well, we got off at work at seven this morning and have to be back at seven tonight. Having morning migas and margaritas with good coworkers does a lot to improve my mood, though.

Now I'm off to find the darkest room in the house to lie down in for a few hours. It's really pretty and hazy and bright outside, so it's going to be hard to sleep. It's a little sad that I only have the time and inclination to appreciate mornings when I've stayed up all night to see them.

What I am doing tonight

Besides sitting idly at work at midnight on Sunday, of course, but that should go without saying. No, it really shouldn't. That should never go without saying. But bitterness and rage get you nowhere, even though both are very satisfying sometimes.

Anyway, after I finished raging bitterly, I decided to make the most of my time here. While waiting for our work to be ready this evening, I have:
smoked several cigarettes (tasty);
gone to the grocery store (enjoyable);
made microwave queso (delicious in a gross, sticky, this-is-gonna-cement-my-colon-shut sort of way); and
looked up maps of craters, isthmuses, and lava flows (fascinating if you're into that kind of thing, which I am, sort of).

All of these things have been fine, noble endeavors, but they've only filled up four hours. Still we wait. A nap is out of the question, so now what?

Cruel mockery

I couldn't eat the cookie because I dropped it in my pho, but I managed to salvage the fortune:

We have a winner!

Hey, the Pointy T-shirt Boggle Challenge was totally fun! I got 10 entries; more about that in a second.

First I want to tell you that a few things came up when I was tallying the scores:

1. My house rules have always been that you get a point for every letter in a word no one else gets, minus one. So "jerk" would be worth three points, "yap" would be two, and so on. But the rules I linked to (or to which I linked; eat it, inflexible grammarians) said that 3 letters=1 point, 4=1, 5=2, 6=3, 7=5, and 8 or more=11. So I went by the linked rules.

2. People sent in a lot of archaic spellings, like "bunn" for "bun." The rules said a "standard English dictionary," which is vague, but I took that to mean "words I could find either at m-w.com or in my Random House Webster's College Dictionary that I got for my high school graduation and love very much even though it foolishly included all these trendy 90s words that no one ever uses anymore, like 'Pac-Man defense' and 'tin parachute,' which is forgivable only because it also contains the definition and etymology for the word 'twat.' (n. vulgar the vulva. [1650-60; perh. orig. dial. var. of thwat, thwot, continuing OE thwat, akin to ON thveit cut, slit, forest clearing)." Anyway, I didn't count archaic or unusual spellings or totally obscure words that weren't in either of those dictionaries. Apologies to OED and Scrabble dictionary users. I also crossed out prefixes, suffixes, abbreviations, and acronyms.

3. Nobody got the super excellent long word! I am so bummed!

Anyway, none of that nitpicky stuff matters because Dan smoked everyone's ass. It wasn't even close. But don't be bitter; he's a good person and deserves good things.

Dan's winning words:
arouse (3)
pious (2)
oud (1)
udo (1)
boud (1)
boul (1)
alb (1)
albs (1)
That makes eleven points for Dan! He also included helpful definitions with a few of the lesser-known words, which I appreciated, but not so much that I feel like typing them up right this second.

Runners-up: Shanna, with 5 points (nul, dobra, sunn, lar); Choo, one point (abs); and Angela, one point (poi). Lynell and Badpenny both had slub, which is such a great, goofy-sounding word. I thought it was totally silly and made up, but it's not. It's slub!

Thanks also to McGillbert, Receptionista, Kristy, and Vickie. I'll be making Dan his shirt tomorrow (hey, Dan, what size T-shirt do you prefer?), and the consolation prizes will be sent out as soon as I get around to making them.

So now it's really late and I worked 14 and a half hours today and got some bad news and the electricians fried our dryer and messed up my room (it was already so messy you'd think I couldn't tell, but I can, dammit, I can), so aside from the contest fun I've pretty much had it up to here with today. I'm going to drink a little beer and go to bed. Good night!

Delay

The Man's got his foot on my neck tonight; I'm going to be at work a long time. I'll get the scores up as soon as I can, I promise.

I don't mean to imply that you have nothing better to do on a balmy Friday night than check Boggle scores, of course.

P.S. Super happy bonus points to Badpenny and Choo for listing the words according to length and in alphabetical order, respectively. Actually, now that I look more closely, it appears that Badpenny did both. What a gentleman.

It's on!

The Pointy T-shirt prototype came out great.

There has been some confusion about which letters are which. Please do not despair! Help is available in the comments section of the original contest post.

There are only six hours and 22 minutes left in the contest. So far I've received one entry, and it was from a Nebraskan. They come down here, take our jobs, ogle our women, and now you want them to kick your ass at Boggle too?

Also I don't think I mentioned that everyone who enters will get a small consolation prize. But they will.

Pointy T-shirt contest

In order to combine my tendency to drive a joke into the ground with a desire to try out my newfangled iron-on transfer paper, I present the Pointy T-shirt Boggle Challenge.

The rules are simple. List all the words of three letters or more that you find on the Boggle board above. Standard 4x4 Boggle rules and scoring apply. Send your list to me at starsngarters att hotmail dot com (but, you know, like, with the at symbol and the dots and all that). The person with the highest score wins a custom Pointy T-shirt!

Entries must be received by five p.m. CDT Friday. In the event of a tie, the contest will be decided by a Pointy-themed limerick contest. The winner will be contacted by e-mail for his or her address and shirt size.

Ok, go!

Plantastic!

I had so much fun with my new best friend Pointy tonight. Go on, see for yourself!

Hey, other states have goofy-ass holidays too

Alabama, for example, unabashedly COMBINES MLK Jr. Day with Robert E. Lee's birthday. I think the two should cancel each other out, so that Alabamans just celebrate Day on January 19 each year.

They also have a Columbus Day/Fraternal Day/American Indian Heritage Day. Say, what are you doing for Columbus Day Slash Fraternal Day Slash American Indian Heritage Day? Why, I'll be celebrating the discovery of North America slash reflecting on the genocide of an indigenous people!

They do have a Mardi Gras holiday, though. That's just cool.

Oh, and before I forget...

HAPPY SAN JACINTO DAY, EVERYBODY!!!!!!

Texas has some really lame state holidays. Confederate Heroes Day, which coincidentally falls on the same week as MLK day, is a bit of a headscratcher. Apparently Texas used to celebrate both Robert E. Lee and Jefferson Davis's birthdays, but they consolidated the two in 1973 to make room for LBJ Day.

Oh, yes, I remember the LBJ Days of my youth. Papa would come home loaded down with LBJ presents for all us kids, and Mama would smile and kiss his cheek. When we'd light the LBJ candles at dinner her eyes would glow softly and the care would fall from her face, so you could see how she pretty she used to be before the world rested so heavily on her shoulders. It was always a magic day.

I always thought Juneteenth was pretty cool, too.

Pointy!

I bought a pointy plant last night. I probably like it way more than anyone should like a tiny little plant they bought for three bucks at Target. But it's so great! The leaves have this nubbly texture, and it's spiky and compact.

I got it to liven up my messy but stark office. (I also got some of those fancy light bulbs that give everything that nice pinkish cast.)

Here's Pointy in its new home:

I don't know. I think it looks a little forlorn.

Pretty

Games for you to play.

The very dumb joke that made me hang up on my sister:

Q: Did you get your updog?
A: Updog?
Q: Did you get your updog?
A: Did I get my updog.
Q: Yeah. Updog. Did you get your updog?
A: (Exhales.)
Q: (Stifling giggles) Well, did you get it? Your updog?
A: What?
Q: UP DOG.
A: UP DOG?
Q: Updog!
A: What the fuck?
Q: (Cracking up) You messed it up! You were supposed to say "What's updog?" and I was going to say "Nothin' much."
A: (Click.)

What I'm having for lunch today

Why do I keep buying these? Because I am incredibly lazy. Frozen meals are cheap, easy, and portable, which for me trumps hearty, fresh, and delicious, at least when I'm stuck at work.

They're not good at all. They're food only in the most technical sense of the word. I might as well dump them in the blender and bring them to work in a Thermos. Then I could hold my nose and bypass my taste buds by pouring them directly down my throat.

Except then I'd have to take the blender out of the cabinet, make room for it on the counter, and unplug the toaster from the overloaded power strip. Then I'd have TO wash the blender and make sure I didn't lose the blade or the little ring that holds it all together. Also I'd most likely forget my to rinse out my Thermos and take it home, so it would sit in a far corner of my desk, forgotten, until a cloud of gnats and a sour smell led me back to it several weeks later. Plus they sell canned liquid meals already. So the whole idea is incredibly stupid. It's a shame, but I have to accept that I'm stuck with the frozen food units until I think of something better.

Oh, modern science, where is my food pill?

Who cares who invented it? It's brilliant.

The makers of Tongue Joy and the makers of the Tiggler are suing each other for the patent rights to the tongue vibrator. Hee! Maybe they could settle it with a swordfight.

Abso-goddamn-lutely.

Tmesis and expletive infixation are fanfuckingtastic!

What I learned today:

Eating lots of vegetables is stupid.

Oh, BOY!

This totally kicks UTILITY WORK NEXT 2 MILES's ass.

!Viva la comida basura!

Dinner last night was pretty fun, although I have an unholy craving for green vegetables today.

Just about everything we ate last night was either brown or orange, except for the grotesque bologna-and-spray-cheese rolls, thoughtfully provided and assembled by our friend Choo.

I'm sorry I didn't take a picture of Dan's ambrosia salad. It was an eerie pinkish-orange, attractively studded with banana slices and maraschino cherries, and served in durable Tupperware. Presentation is everything.

I was kind of worried that this would be a waste of food, that I'd be dumping gallons of uneaten canned chili in the garbage because we were trying to be cute. But now I see that was silly; who doesn't love fat and salt? Most everything got eaten, with enthusiasm if not enjoyment. Well, except for the bologna rolls, but I'm sure that's just because people thought they were too pretty to eat.

I have to go to the store now to buy a salad and a smoothie.

Dinner party

Any minute now our guests will be arriving to feast on such trashy childhood favorites as Frito pie, macaroni and cheese with Cheetos, tater tots, Kool Aid, and ambrosia salad. I also have two icebox pies firming up in the fridge.

The weird thing was that we were kind of embarrassed buying all this crap at the store. But I see people with their carts loaded down with nothing but absolute garbage all the time, like lonely-looking guys buying 20 Totino's pizzas, a case of Ramen, a bag of Ruffles and maybe--maybe--a carton of sweetened orange juice for vitamins.

He got me to quit bitching, at least.

If I know you as well as I think I do, you'll love this guy.

Must...stop...bitching

But I can't, because on top of everything else, my hair looks like shit today.

I like my hair cropped pretty close, but when it's this short it doesn't take much time before it grows out into floppy little wings. I start looking like my eighth-grade gym coach about five weeks after each haircut.

The problem is that I can't really afford to get it done more than every two months or so. I could go to someone cheaper, but after living here for 10 years I've finally found someone who intuits the haircuts I want without my having to explain them. I just give her a general length and tell her to do whatever, and she hasn't missed yet. It's worth the extra money to not have to think up the hairstyles myself. But as much as I like it at first, my hair gets so bad so fast.

I don't know. Maybe I should grow it out. Maybe I should cut expenses elsewhere so I can pay for monthly salon visits. Maybe I should start wearing a little whistle and a powder-blue sweatsuit so people will think I wear it this way on purpose.

Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch

Due to a combination of factors too stupid to even mention, my mood is foul beyond description tonight.

The end!

Bitch, bitch, bitch

To the Ethnic Gourmet frozen food people: Pad Thai should be as tangy as it is sweet and more flavorful than it is spicy. At least that's the way I like it. Get it together, people. Sheesh.

Degrees of comparison

Awful: Working a 13-hour shift.

Better: Classic rock salvation on the drive home via Heart's "Crazy on You."

Best: Going out for a very late dinner with a sweet boy.

Proximity profile

Joel is my officemate at work. Today is his birthday. Joel enjoys making and recording music, watching movies, and drinking coffee. He likes cute Japanese toys, and his favorite beer is Newcastle.

Fitness regimen

I discovered a fun activity last night: exercising while drunk. It's really fun!

I went out for some pitchers with coworkers last night and came home around 9:30 feeling tipsy but antsy. I started walking to the store for cigarettes, but it was a nice night and walking felt so good that I just kept going. I walked around my neighborhood at a good clip for 45 minutes before I started to slow down and head for the store; thanks to the alcohol, the stitch in my side seemed like a distant annoyance and I was able to disregard my screaming leg muscles. I came home and was completely worn out, so I went to bed early and got a full night's rest for the first time in weeks.

Aside from the obvious safety issues and the fact that drinking all that beer negates the benefits of walking, I think powerwalking alone half-crocked in the dark is totally brilliant.

Workday

Ah, sweet tedium. Thank you for keeping my eyes occupied while leaving my mind completely blank. What glorious fantasies I conjure when I'm in your seductive thrall.

Sushi burps

Love 'em.

Outlet mall

The outlet mall is weird. It's so desolate, at least on weekdays, and everyone there pushes through the racks like pissy zombies, intent on GETTING GOOD DEALS. They tried to tart the place up with Spanish tile and a speaker system that blares treble-heavy goodtime oldies, but it's still bleak, ugly, and a bitch to navigate.

Not that that stopped us from buying lots of stuff. Eric and Roone got a ton of cheap undies, pants, and shirts. I only got a belt and a dress that does not suit me at all. I will try it on before every party I go to for the next six months, take it off, leave it on the floor, and wear jeans instead. It's pink. I love it.

Everyone is completely insane

Today I went to get my oil changed about two miles from my house. In that short distance:

(Cue circus music)

I nearly got hit on 38 1/2 Street when I couldn't see where I was going because a parked Humvee was blocking my view of the intersection.

Thirty seconds later, I was waiting to cross the highway when the car next to me ran the red light. It wasn't like they were trying to ootch through the yellow, either; they apparently got bored all of a sudden with being stopped and just started driving forward, narrowly avoiding getting clobbered at least three times. The person behind them blindly started going too (baa), but stopped when he realized his mistake. There was a cop sitting right across from us, but he was tinkering with his radio and missed the whole thing.

I went three more blocks before I had to swerve to avoid a car that was swerving to avoid a man walking down the middle of the street.

There was another genius at Guadalupe and 38th Street. We all had to wait patiently for him to back up out of the intersection before we could turn left. He was talking on his phone and didn't notice he was running a light until a bunch of cars started coming toward him.

Finally I got to the oil-change place. The owners of two cars that had just been in a wreck were waiting for the police in the parking lot. Finally one showed up, and it was the same cop who hadn't seen the guy run the red light just a few minutes before.

Jesus Christ. I drove home very defensively when my car was done.

Party

Fallout from cascarones fight

Happy birthday to my friend Dan, who, with his roommate's help, threw a damn fine party last night. Dan always has good parties. You can tell because his house is the only place where I ever dance in front of other people.

My only goal is to get out of my pajamas before five. It's going to be tricky, but I think I can do it.

Cephalopods!

Tonmo.com is your one-stop resource for information on topics such as autophagy in octopi.

Redemption

Are there any wrongs a Mi Madre's breakfast taco cannot right?