I hate to criticize my husband in such a public fashion, but I have to say that Eric was very, very unwise to buy so many bags of my favorite candies so long before Halloween.
Seriously, fuck those little kids. Did they get their property tax bills in the mail this week? Are they trying to quit smoking with nothing but some shitty gum and some goddamn aspirin* for help?
I'm sorry, what's that? No? Yeah, no. No. Of course not. I didn't think so. So the motherfucking Skittles are mine. The Haribo gummi bears, too. The porch light will be off. Go away.
*I have no idea why the aspirin. It doesn't really do anything. But it's nice. First of all, the aspirin is this really good shade of orange, the kind of orange that makes you feel like you're taking something really efficacious. Also, it kind of stops my bones from feeling like they're going to burst into flames and burn through my skin. Those are reasons enough for me, right now.Ok, but listen, seriously, don't worry about the aspirin, but you should know that right now I really am totally eating all those little kids' candy--this is taking forever to type because I keep stopping to get up and get more snack packs of Skittles and open them up and shove them into my mouth--and I'm glad.
