Now that I'm working nights, I'm stuck with late-night TV. The choices are pretty dismal, even with the superduper deluxe digital cable package. Sometimes you can catch a good movie or a cool documentary on HBO or IFC or something, but mostly your choices come down to the knife-buying show, crappy softcore porn, COPS, or the tired-ass end of the day's news cycle.
On the other hand, I get to watch Dave Schwartz on the Weather Channel.
(If you know me, you probably know that I've had a crush on meteorologist Jim Spencer for the past 10 years. Please don't judge me; this isn't a weatherman fetish or anything. It's not like that, I swear. It's just that Dave Schwartz is a freak and a ghoul and therefore really fucking fun to watch.)
I think Dave Schwartz is stuck on the night shift for eternity because he's spooky as hell. His eyes light up and he can't keep this strange little smile from creeping on his face when he talks about destructive weather. He shakes his head and whistles with admiration when he reads off flood totals. He's almost gloating when he points out where tornados have touched down. Plus his delivery is emphatic and tinged with doom: "Council Bluffs, Des Moines, Iowa City: WATCH OUT. Take a look at these MONSTERS that are HEADED YOUR WAY." We watched him during the last hurricane and I almost peed my pants seeing him make these dire pronouncements while trying really hard to keep the glee off his face.
In addition to getting a hard-on from the threat of destruction, he makes a lot of really bizarre non sequiturs, and his train of thought goes careening all over the map. His transitions are downright painful. Last night was the best I've seen so far: "And Buffalo, your morning commute is going to be a real mess. And speaking of messes, let's go to Iraq, where it's going to be sunny and hot again. Tsk. If only the political and military situation there could be as stable as the weather. Let's go to the national map again, where some pretty severe storms are setting up in the Midwest...."
Anyway, he's fantastic. I highly recommend watching him if you find yourself awake at 3 a.m. with absolutely nothing better to do.
